Five-Ingredient No-Bake Caffeinated Peanut Butter Bars

Do you know how many people get killed by ovens every year? LOTS. Oh yeah, those things are blowing up, starting fires, accidentally cooking people, a couple probably fell on people or something; they're terrible things. Now I know ovens pretty much have the market cornered on making delicious baked goods, so we tolerate these ticking time bombs as they collect dust kitties in our kitchens and lie in wait. BUT NO LONGER. Today, STEEM Caffeinated Peanut Butter stands up to the great oven menace and offers you all our FIVE-INGREDIENT NO-BAKE PEANUT BUTTER BARS!


  1. One cup of semi-sweet chocolate morsels
  2. One stick of salted butter
  3. One sleeve of graham crackers
  4. One cup of confectioner's sugar
  5. One jar of STEEM Caffeinated Peanut Butter

(and one 8X8 baking pan)

Once assembled holiday family portrait-style, your ingredients will look like this:


Except it'll be in your house. Let's get not-baking!

Step 1

Throw your oven down the stairs! Who needs that hunk of junk, right? You can make peanut butter bars now!

Step 2

Did you ever notice that there's nine graham crackers in a sleeve? Not eight, not ten; nine. Anyone else think that's weird? Anyway, use all of your bottled rage to crush the graham crackers into crumbs. Try not to get any tears of catharsis into the mixing bowl.

Step 3

Cup of confectioner's sugar? Dump it in!


Step 4

Melt a stick of butter. And no, wiseguy, you don't need no stinkin' oven to melt the butter. Put it into a microwave safe bowl and nuke it for about 40 seconds. Then throw it into the mix.


Step 5

Pour the entire contents of one brave jar of STEEM into the bowl and mix until your forearm is all veiny.


Step 6

I recommend lining the pan with tinfoil, even if it's a foil pan. It makes it a lot easier to pull the bars out once they've set without destroying them.


Step 7

Take that big, beautiful, pasty mess out of that bowl and drop it into your lined baking pan. Press it down as evenly as you can, pushing it all the way to the corners. Make sure your hands are clean. Actually, you should have done that long before here. Are your hands clean? Go back in time and wash your hands before getting this far. Gross.


Step 8

Put a cup of semi-sweet morsels in a microwave-safe bowl (even the same one you used to melt the butter so you can get that .00001g of buttery cholesterol that was left behind) and nuke it for about 50 seconds. It's touchy; after about 35 or 40 seconds, take the bowl out and try to stir it up a bit. After you nuke it for the last 15 seconds or so, it should be smooth enough to stir, and you'll see quickly that the remaining morsels are melting and it should smooth out.


Don't give it a chance to harden; quickly pour it on top of your pb layer and spread it around evenly. I don't go quite all the way to the edges of the pan with the chocolate because it'll just get stuck to the foil on the edges and chocolate that I can't eat is a thing that should not happen.


Looks good, doesn't it? Damn right it does. Now put that sucker in the fridge. The fridge is like the anti-oven. Let it set for at least an hour, more like two.

Step 9

Blow everybody's freaking minds.


If there's a situation out there that can't be vastly improved by introducing caffeinated peanut butter bars, then I don't want any part of it.

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